…another binge. And I’m in the process of trying to figure out everything about it. What started it. What continued it. What ended it. And how I felt during each of those steps.
I’ve been good for two days. Accurately tracking my food, drinking lots of liquids. Went to the gym Friday; Saturday, my knee was really bothering me, so after 5 days of upper body weight training, I decided to give it a rest.
Then…yesterday. Breakfast was great — accurate, nutritious, and on track. Lunch. We went out to dinner. I ordered chicken parmesan, thinking that I’ll just eat 1/2 of it and save the other 1/2 for another meal. Yeah, I did that. Then we came home…
I was doing fine until I had to talk to someone about a missing part of a generator we just bought and was trying to put together. Talking to store personnel and managers at two stores (one much closer than the other one — and it’s a corporation — so basically all customer service policies should be more or less the same). All we wanted to do was to grab an axle from one of their stock instead of packing up all 250 lbs of generator and bringing it back for an exchange. Of course, the store that was closer gave me a hard time. It all eventually worked out (the store farther away was cooperative), but before that, I was getting more and more frustrated at being bounced back and forth between the two stores, with one of them having snotty personnel to boot. I don’t deal well with rude people, and for all my trouble, I decided to put away a bag of Cracker Jack popcorn. 1080 calories inhaled in less than 10 minutes. Well, I thought, to conclude my day I will just have a small snack to take my meds with and that will be my damage control.
I figured out the first binge — it was out of frustration and I wanted a the sugar high as compensation for the bullshit I had to put up with.
The second binge a few hours later was a lot harder to figure out and it was more characteristic of a full-blown binge. I got this urge to eat. I wasn’t really hungry, upset, or bored. I was watching football with my husband and son, and my team won. Yippee. (that was a very low-toned “yippee” — I don’t care much for sports, but I will occasionally watch football). During the game I finished the other half of the dinner I brought home.
Then, I snapped. I went into this surreal oblivion and asked where the other bag of Cracker Jack was. I got the bag and my son and I finished it off. I think I had maybe 1/2 of that one. 540 more calories. I felt a binge coming. I went back into the kitchen and grabbed a box of animal crackers and squeeze frosting and polished that off. About 260 more calories, plus 720 in frosting (I figure about 6 tablespoons). Still wasn’t satisfied (whatever satisfaction I was looking for — that still eluded me at that point in time). I then went after the graham crackers and ate probably about 3 sheets (130 cal each — so that’s 390 cals). And I put margarine on them — probably about 4 tablespoonfuls at 45 cal per tablespoon — 180 more calories. And I sprinkled large-crystal sugar on it; maybe 1 tablespoonful altogether? About 50 more calories. By this time, a sense of satiety crept in. I felt physically full and lazily high from all the carb I just ingested. Time to conclude the binge with coffee and a protein drink. The satiety had turned into bloat, and I was tired, shaky, cold, and disappointed in myself.
In summary, I ate about 400 calories for breakfast. The chicken parmesan dinner I estimate to be around 1200. 1080 for binge #1. That, and the rest of what I consumed came to almost 5000 calories. I need about 1800 calories to keep my weight steady. That means I overate by 3200 calories. I almost took in the caloric equivalent to a pound of body fat. Do that a few times a week, and it’s no wonder I have weight problems.
In retrospect to yesterday, I think the second binge had to do with watching TV with the family. The three of us were together, sort of a celebratory thing, since the three of us watching TV together is a rarity. Celebrations, in whatever form you may define it, call for food. Next time, I’ll come armed with air-popped pop corn and celery sticks with fat-free cream cheese (flavored with some kind of dry soup mix). Maybe that will stave off the desire for the sugar high. If not, maybe I’ll have a clear-enough mind to just have my coffee with the protein drink and that will be enough for something sweet without the additional unhealthy calories. And, most of all, I have to budget all that into my eating plan. Maybe I’ll still go over my calories, but hopefully these substitutions will lessen the damage.