On the edge….

I’m at a deciding point today.  Not really a “decision” point, but a place where I’ve got to do something.  I’ve been eating crap for a long time now.  I haven’t been sticking to my eating plan as closely as I should be, and I’m now beginning to feel it in my jeans.  I’d like to attribute it to belly bloat (because I’ve been eating a lot of salt and sugar), but the truth is, I think most of it is plain old fat.

So, like I’ve done many times before, I have the resolve that “I’m going to stick to this plan to a “T” and put in a lot of exercise”  Then around noontime, the food resolve is out the window with a piece of cake calling out my name, telling me lies of “It’s okay.  You’ll work it off.  C’mon, it’ll make you feel better”  And then, for a time, I will feel better.  Then comes later in the afternoon.  “I’d better eat something substantial before working out or I’m going to feel like shit afterwards”  Still behaving somewhat, at that point,  I’ve just about run out of calories for the day.  So, I’ll just have a few ounces of chicken and some low-sodium vegetable juice.  Then, it’s after dinner.  It’s time to go to the kitchen and pick at whatever’s in the cupboards.  I’ll make myself a little something out of baking mix and put in two tablespoons of chocolate chips.  Then I’ll break into a salty snack that I bought for my son to take to work.  The desire to pick just doesn’t quit until I go to bed, and then it’s time for a “nightcap” — another snack to go with my meds.  I do this every night.

And I’m feeling my weight creep up.

One thing I know will combat this is being deliberate with my calories.  Proportioning out just so much for each meal and for snacks.  Drinking more water (I’m really bad with that).  I’ve found that right now, I can’t eat like a normal person.  I just can’t control myself around the food unless I’m strict with it.  I guess that’s how the weight will have to come off.  I just can’t be experimenting with myself and researching why I eat the way I do right now.  I’ve got more work to do — I’ve got to get this weight off.

To possibly complicate things for me today, we’re supposed to go up to Albany to spend some time at a mall and then go to Red Lobster for supper (tomorrow’s my birthday — we’re celebrating it today while the three of us are off work at the same time).  Mall time means Starbucks time.  I can get away with a machiatto with skim milk.  However — the cookies, brownies and cheesecake — they call my name.  And then I feel entitled to eat them because I don’t get to Starbucks that often.  I can’t do that this time.

Red Lobster — I can go online to see how many calories the meals are and go from there.  I can behave somewhat with that.  I’m going the way of ordering a broiled seafood platter.

I also know another way of staying in line with the eating plan.  It’s accountability.  Mostly to one person (and it was with the person I ruined the friendship with — I was so into trying to make a good impression — I really liked this person) I was afraid of failing.  I don’t have that anymore.  Looking back, I realize it was an unhealthy approach to accountability, but it did work.  Now, I have to be accountable to myself, unless I can find someone that will work with me and stay with me, flaws and all.

 

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