It’s been almost a month

I know I haven’t written lately.  Partly it’s out of laziness, part of it I’ve been studying my binging habits; my addictive habits with eating and an imagined relationship.  I still grieve over the friendship I lost; I can’t shake it.  This person was the world to me, even for those brief few months; since then (and it’s been about a year and a half), I still mourn the loss.  I can’t seem to let go.

The food.  I had one hell of a binge today — I downed about 1/4 of a chocolate/frosting “jelly” roll, 1/2 bag of Funyuns, a protein shake, 3/4 of a bag of sweetened mixed nuts, and a single serving box of chocolate pie.  And the funny thing is, the pie and shake were satisfying, the rest was not.  I was shoveling it into my mouth and it did nothing for me.  Why was I doing it?  Trying to recapture what I got with the first few bites of pie or the shake?

I feel anxious.  My thoughts and anxieties are swirling like the patterns motor oil  forms on top of water.  I have the physical remembrance of abstinence; I remember being successful at it and even feeling really good from it.  I can go back to it.  It feels like I can’t get back to it right now.  It’s like I have to wait for the shit to get out of my system before I can go on.

My biggest problem is trying to find constructive and satisfying ways to deal with my negative emotions.  I believe most people eat, smoke, drink, or sex their way though this stuff.  Mine is obviously eating.  Another one, for me, is relationships that don’t work out.  That’s the one I’m trying to get over.   I want this person’s friendship again.  This person is extremely insightful regarding weight loss and his personal experience on the subject.  We had a lot in common.  I wanted this person to be part of my everyday life.  And I tried to make it so, but I got fed up with little or no response when I tried to talk to him.  I had no understanding of what he was going through.  I was threatened to be dropped.  I was insistent on remaining friends, giving up my sense of self-respect for the “right” to remain friends.  I continued to be ignored.  I unfriended this person and this individual immediately blocked me.  This person now hates me.  I apologized for what I did, but this person let me back in on very tight conditional terms, which I accepted.  Then I got blocked again, and I don’t know what I did to deserve it.



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