It happened again….

…another binge.  And I’m in the process of trying to figure out everything about it.  What started it.  What continued it.  What ended it.  And how I felt during each of those steps.

I’ve been good for two days.  Accurately tracking my food, drinking lots of liquids.  Went to the gym Friday; Saturday, my knee was really bothering me, so after 5 days of upper body weight training, I decided to give it a rest.

Then…yesterday.  Breakfast was great — accurate, nutritious, and on track.  Lunch.  We went out to dinner.  I ordered chicken parmesan, thinking that I’ll just eat 1/2 of it and save the other 1/2 for another meal.  Yeah, I did that.  Then we came home…

I was doing fine until I had to talk to someone about a missing part of a generator we just bought and was trying to put together.  Talking to store personnel and managers at two stores (one much closer than the other one — and it’s a corporation — so basically all customer service policies should be more or less the same). All we wanted to do was to grab an axle from one of their stock instead of packing up all 250 lbs of generator and bringing it back for an exchange.  Of course, the store that was closer gave me a hard time.  It all eventually worked out (the store farther away was cooperative), but before that,  I was getting more and more frustrated at being bounced back and forth between the two stores, with one of them having snotty personnel to boot.  I don’t deal well with rude people, and for all my trouble, I decided to put away a bag of Cracker Jack popcorn.  1080 calories inhaled in less than 10 minutes.  Well, I thought, to conclude my day I will just have a small snack to take my meds with and that will be my damage control.

I figured out the first binge — it was out of frustration and I wanted a the sugar high as compensation for the bullshit I had to put up with.

The second binge a few hours later was a lot harder to figure out and it was more characteristic of a full-blown binge.  I got this urge to eat.  I wasn’t really hungry, upset, or bored.  I was watching football with my husband and son, and my team won.  Yippee.  (that was a very low-toned “yippee” — I don’t care much for sports, but I will occasionally watch football).  During the game I finished the other half of the dinner I brought home.

Then, I snapped.  I went into this surreal oblivion and asked where the other bag of Cracker Jack was.  I got the bag and my son and I finished it off.  I think I had maybe 1/2 of that one.  540 more calories.  I felt a binge coming.  I went back into the kitchen and grabbed a box of animal crackers and squeeze frosting and polished that off.  About 260 more calories, plus 720 in frosting (I figure about 6 tablespoons).  Still wasn’t satisfied (whatever satisfaction I was looking for — that still eluded me at that point in time).  I then went after the graham crackers and ate probably about 3 sheets (130 cal each — so that’s 390 cals).  And I put margarine on them — probably about 4 tablespoonfuls at 45 cal per tablespoon — 180 more calories.  And I sprinkled large-crystal sugar on it; maybe 1 tablespoonful altogether?  About 50 more calories.  By this time, a sense of satiety crept in.  I felt physically full and lazily high from all the carb I just ingested.  Time to conclude the binge with coffee and a protein drink.  The satiety had turned into bloat, and I was tired, shaky, cold, and disappointed in myself.

In summary, I ate about 400 calories for breakfast.  The chicken parmesan dinner I estimate to be around 1200.  1080 for binge #1. That, and the rest of what I consumed came to almost 5000 calories.  I need about 1800 calories to keep my weight steady.  That means I overate by 3200 calories.  I almost took in the caloric equivalent to a pound of body fat.  Do that a few times a week, and it’s no wonder I have weight problems.

In retrospect to yesterday, I think the second binge had to do with watching TV with the family.  The three of us were together, sort of a celebratory thing, since the three of us watching TV together is a rarity.  Celebrations, in whatever form you may define it, call for food.  Next time, I’ll come armed with air-popped pop corn and celery sticks with fat-free cream cheese (flavored with some kind of dry soup mix).  Maybe that will stave off the desire for the sugar high.  If not, maybe I’ll have a clear-enough mind to just have my coffee with the protein drink and that will be enough for something sweet without the additional unhealthy calories.  And, most of all, I have to budget all that into my eating plan.  Maybe I’ll still go over my calories, but hopefully these substitutions will lessen the damage.






Exploring the inner working of a binge: part 1


Yesterday was not an unusual event.  I’ve been here before.  At least I know the full cycle; now I just have to remember to tweak a few things.  I’m talking about a binge.  I know the precipitating factors.

About 4 hours after I had breakfast, I started to feel weak; I felt the color draining out of my face.  Generally, at 4 hours, even with exercising, I don’t get that way (from low blood sugar).  Recalling that this could be one of my symptoms of an impending stomach virus (my son had a nasty one earlier this week) I attributed the symptoms to that.  But, I was also thinking, “well, what if it is just low blood sugar?”  I took a few glucose tabs; then thought to myself, “that’s not enough.  I’ll go to Cumby’s (local convenience store) and get a veggie burger and a little treat (which was a 330 calorie snack of chocolate cupcakes)”.  Of course I ate the cupcakes first, then the veggie burger.  With the beginnings of fatigue, I started dozing off at my desk (I usually don’t do that).  It was then that I realized that it was indeed the start of some kind of illness.  I went home a little early.  That that’s when the binge began.

I was craving animal crackers and frosting.  Ate one box, where I squirted decorator’s frosting on the crackers and systematically shoved them in my mouth.  Apparently that was not enough.  I then remembered that I had some powdered sugar, butter, and cocoa left over from Christmas baking.  I made myself a bowl of chocolate frosting and dipped honey pretzel braids in it and systematically shoved those in my mouth.  A little afterward I was eating only the frosting by the spoonful.  It was then that I came to my senses and threw the rest of the frosting away.

Why did I let the binge take place?  I had my lunch; I was not wanting for nourishment at that point in time (at least I didn’t think so).  At this point, I’m thinking that I wanted a “reward” for putting up with some kind of BS I couldn’t readily identify.  I wanted comforting.  In retrospect, maybe I was experiencing some underlying anxiety about upcoming meetings at work as well as some upcoming big changes at work (a merger of 8 churches in 3 counties, of which I’m the only administrator).  Maybe it’s because I need to pay bills.  Maybe it’s because I’m dealing with some possible surgeries in my future (for diverticulitis and a bad shoulder).  That’s a lot.  But I have to put each of them in their perspective and take each of them one moment at a time.  I’m also finding that I binge because I’m thirsty and/or I don’t feel physically full.  I’ve got to remember to keep drinking my water.

Apparently, I was coming down with something.  I spent the entire afternoon napping on the couch.  I even went to bed early and slept most of the night.  My body needed rest to fight off whatever was going on.

I’ve got to remember to pay attention to what my mind and body are telling me.  Keep up with the water.  Lots of protein (since part of my workout is with weight machines).  Keep the nutritious food coming; easy on the carbs, stay away from the sugar.  Rest when I need to.  And find a healthier way to cope with my anxieties.

The death of a friendship

This is a blog of deep regret.  In trying to resurrect a friendship that I had ruined, I just nailed the coffin shut.  I didn’t mean to do that.  I’m sure this person is livid at me now and I can’t see any possibility of going back.  I can apologize all I want, but it’s not going to bring the friendship back.  This was a special person, or at least I made this individual out to be one.

I have to let go and move on.

My self esteem has hit an all time low.  I look at my Facebook pic and I’m filled with disgust.  I never knew I could be so insensitive in how I dealt with this individual.  I really hate myself right now.  I thought I was safe enough with this person to share my anger about something they did.  I thought this friendship was an open book; transparent.   This person began closing the door.  In essence, an impenetrable wall was being built.  I hinted to this person that there was something wrong; I took a rather unethical approach in doing that.  I have a hard time telling people that they are hurting me and I tend to hint at it, though it would have been better if I just said what was on my mind.  They saw through it and that’s when I caught hell for it.  I said I was sorry, but that day was the definite beginning of the end.  I don’t believe this person ever forgave me.  I was being ignored more and more.  Finally, I’ve had enough and told this person I no longer wanted to be friends and almost immediately I was blocked.  I immediately regretted severing ties with this individual and tried to reestablish the friendship;  of which I was told to move on.  I said I would move on, but there were a few things I needed to get off my chest.  I didn’t hint at this — I basically let this person have it between the eyes.  Then this person re-friended me on a “conditional” basis, letting me know that in no uncertain terms I was going to be blocked again if I screwed up.  I thought things were going well.  Then BAM!  I got blocked again.  What the hell did I do this time?  I sent a rather nasty e-mail, believing that the friendship was indeed ruined, of which I received no response.

I let the storm die down, and in good faith I wished this person a merry Christmas and offered an apology for how I acted.  No response.  Then I was hearing about this person from another source and decided to try to re-establish ties again.  This time I did get a response that was, in essence, “Get lost.”

In writing this, I feel like a definite low-life.  How could I do this to someone?

I think because there were no definite boundaries in the beginning, I was too close to this person and thought I could say anything.

I am now very wary of letting people into my comfort zone.  Never again.

Did I binge?  Damn right I did!