This is a blog of deep regret. In trying to resurrect a friendship that I had ruined, I just nailed the coffin shut. I didn’t mean to do that. I’m sure this person is livid at me now and I can’t see any possibility of going back. I can apologize all I want, but it’s not going to bring the friendship back. This was a special person, or at least I made this individual out to be one.
I have to let go and move on.
My self esteem has hit an all time low. I look at my Facebook pic and I’m filled with disgust. I never knew I could be so insensitive in how I dealt with this individual. I really hate myself right now. I thought I was safe enough with this person to share my anger about something they did. I thought this friendship was an open book; transparent. This person began closing the door. In essence, an impenetrable wall was being built. I hinted to this person that there was something wrong; I took a rather unethical approach in doing that. I have a hard time telling people that they are hurting me and I tend to hint at it, though it would have been better if I just said what was on my mind. They saw through it and that’s when I caught hell for it. I said I was sorry, but that day was the definite beginning of the end. I don’t believe this person ever forgave me. I was being ignored more and more. Finally, I’ve had enough and told this person I no longer wanted to be friends and almost immediately I was blocked. I immediately regretted severing ties with this individual and tried to reestablish the friendship; of which I was told to move on. I said I would move on, but there were a few things I needed to get off my chest. I didn’t hint at this — I basically let this person have it between the eyes. Then this person re-friended me on a “conditional” basis, letting me know that in no uncertain terms I was going to be blocked again if I screwed up. I thought things were going well. Then BAM! I got blocked again. What the hell did I do this time? I sent a rather nasty e-mail, believing that the friendship was indeed ruined, of which I received no response.
I let the storm die down, and in good faith I wished this person a merry Christmas and offered an apology for how I acted. No response. Then I was hearing about this person from another source and decided to try to re-establish ties again. This time I did get a response that was, in essence, “Get lost.”
In writing this, I feel like a definite low-life. How could I do this to someone?
I think because there were no definite boundaries in the beginning, I was too close to this person and thought I could say anything.
I am now very wary of letting people into my comfort zone. Never again.
Did I binge? Damn right I did!