The death of a friendship

This is a blog of deep regret.  In trying to resurrect a friendship that I had ruined, I just nailed the coffin shut.  I didn’t mean to do that.  I’m sure this person is livid at me now and I can’t see any possibility of going back.  I can apologize all I want, but it’s not going to bring the friendship back.  This was a special person, or at least I made this individual out to be one.

I have to let go and move on.

My self esteem has hit an all time low.  I look at my Facebook pic and I’m filled with disgust.  I never knew I could be so insensitive in how I dealt with this individual.  I really hate myself right now.  I thought I was safe enough with this person to share my anger about something they did.  I thought this friendship was an open book; transparent.   This person began closing the door.  In essence, an impenetrable wall was being built.  I hinted to this person that there was something wrong; I took a rather unethical approach in doing that.  I have a hard time telling people that they are hurting me and I tend to hint at it, though it would have been better if I just said what was on my mind.  They saw through it and that’s when I caught hell for it.  I said I was sorry, but that day was the definite beginning of the end.  I don’t believe this person ever forgave me.  I was being ignored more and more.  Finally, I’ve had enough and told this person I no longer wanted to be friends and almost immediately I was blocked.  I immediately regretted severing ties with this individual and tried to reestablish the friendship;  of which I was told to move on.  I said I would move on, but there were a few things I needed to get off my chest.  I didn’t hint at this — I basically let this person have it between the eyes.  Then this person re-friended me on a “conditional” basis, letting me know that in no uncertain terms I was going to be blocked again if I screwed up.  I thought things were going well.  Then BAM!  I got blocked again.  What the hell did I do this time?  I sent a rather nasty e-mail, believing that the friendship was indeed ruined, of which I received no response.

I let the storm die down, and in good faith I wished this person a merry Christmas and offered an apology for how I acted.  No response.  Then I was hearing about this person from another source and decided to try to re-establish ties again.  This time I did get a response that was, in essence, “Get lost.”

In writing this, I feel like a definite low-life.  How could I do this to someone?

I think because there were no definite boundaries in the beginning, I was too close to this person and thought I could say anything.

I am now very wary of letting people into my comfort zone.  Never again.

Did I binge?  Damn right I did!